A guide to What you can and cannot control
Do you feel like you have no control over your circumstances or what is happening around you?
We all struggle with circumstances beyond our control. The world at large may feel like it is about to implode or feel tenuous at best. Add to this some personal circumstances you are experiencing that you may have little or no control over. It’s a recipe for stress and anxiety times 100!
First things first - there are a few things to consider that will help you take stock of the impact.
Awareness: Take note of how it makes you feel emotionally and physically. Do you feel stress or anxiety? Are you angry or frustrated? How is it showing up? Do you have a short temper? Are you struggling to stay focused? Are you exhausted? Are you losing sleep? Is it affecting your appetite? I’m here to tell you that any and all of these reactions are par for the course.
Acknowledgement: Take stock of all the things you CAN control - your daily activities, your reaction to life events, how you take care of yourself, the work that you do, who you socialize with, and what brings you joy. You may realize you have more control over your life than you originally thought.
Understanding: Understand that there are just some things that are beyond your control. By all means, take it all in, noodle on it for a while, maybe even dwell on it for an extended period of time. Then, take a deep breath and accept that there is very little and quite possibly nothing you can do about that particular thing! Feel the freedom of your acceptance. It’s liberating.
Now let’s discuss what you have the power to control…
Why are you stuck?
Do you wonder why you are stuck? Are you floating along? Just existing? Not progressing? Not evolving? We often place a negative connotation on “being stuck”. We blame ourselves. We decide we are lazy. We decide we cannot do whatever it is we want to do.
Well, maybe you are lazy or maybe it’s inertia, or both. So what are the definitions of inertia and laziness? What leads to being in a state of inertia or being lazy? More importantly, how can we overcome either one?
“Inertia” is the tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged. In basic terms, inertia is the resistance to change. It’s difficult to start a new task or change a routine.
Characteristics of Inertia
Resist Change: People experiencing inertia often find it difficult to start new projects or make lifestyle changes. This is true even when they acknowledge the benefits.
Routine-Based: Inertia is often tied to everyday routines and habits, where the comfort of the familiar outweighs the desire for change.
External Motivators Required: To overcome inertia, an external force or motivation is usually needed, such as a life event, an inspirational person, or a new opportunity.
Causes of Inertia
Fear of the Unknown: Change can be daunting…
The Path to liking yourself more
I read an article in the New York Times “How to Like Yourself More” by Melissa Kirsh. I’m citing it because it resonated so completely. The author wants to be a person with practices, especially nourishing ones like yoga, mindfulness, or gratitude practices. Yet she hesitates to declare she has adopted a practice because she is not sure she will stick with it. The good news is that she found one practice that has become a habit.
I too, want to be a person with practices that I actually stick with for an extended period of time if not forever (Is forever even possible?). My average for any practice is 2-3 months. This is true for all sorts of practices that I hope will become a habit - healthy eating, exercising, journaling, meditating, or keeping a gratitude list are all examples.
I used to think I would go back to whatever I stopped doing but I rarely do. The gratitude list is one exception. I have gone back to this practice more than once and will continue to do so. It could be because it has a high time commitment/benefit ratio and it truly makes a difference in how I view my world.
Other practices like healthy eating or…
Curiosity = Possibility
Childhood is all about unabashed curiosity. I used to spend an inordinate amount of time playing with my Barbie dolls (don’t judge!) - acting out scenarios, dressing them up, and creating a dialog between them. And then there was my Easy Bake oven where I mastered the birthday cake. Summers were devoted to pool time where I spent hours playing or at least until my lips turned blue. This play was all fueled by curiosity.
And then, somewhere along the line, I tamped down my curiosity. I’m not sure when it happened. It’s not uncommon. It happens as we head toward adulthood. Life gets in the way. We get busy with work, obligations, and our social lives. We might think we are being judged and our curiosity gets tamped down even more. Our fears take hold and we think we are not capable of achieving something. We may question our self-worth and believe that we don’t deserve something.
I started to miss my curiosity so I began to explore why it had diminished as much as it did. It took a lot of self-exploration and I realized I was hiding behind my fears and limiting beliefs. I was living in my own little safety bubble. I was playing it small.
I was so grateful when my curiosity slowly reappeared. I hadn’t fully realized the impact it had had on my life. And you know what reappeared with it…
The power of saying no
The word “NO” is magical. You heard me correctly. It’s a life-saving, stress-reducing, freedom-providing word. Most of us feel some obligation to say “YES” to a request - an invite, a task, taking on extra work. It could be pride, wanting to look good, feeling like you owe someone something, or guilt.
Let’s look at what saying no can do for you.
Time protector: Who here could use some extra time? Saying no can free up time to do what is important to you - family time, leisure time, travel time, you time.
Stress reducer: Are you prone to overcommitting? How many of you have said yes to extra work, joining a committee, hosting a party, or just stack your days with back-to-back obligations? Are you feeling stressed just thinking about it? Saying no allows for a manageable schedule and a healthy work-life balance.
Focus enhancer: Does your brain feel cluttered? Over-obligating is exhausting. It saps your energy and scatters your focus. Allowing enough time for yourself to be still and breath is a gift. You deserve that gift.
Power provider: Do you feel like your life is a bit out of control when you take on too much? Your needs and time are just as important as everyone else’s. You will be a better partner, parent, friend, colleague, and daughter/son if you take care of yourself. The directive to put your oxygen mask on first applies here.
Let’s practice saying no.
Establish Your Priorities: Be clear about your intentions…
SIX Questions to Ask Yourself Before Making a Big Life Change
Thinking about making a big life change, like finding a new job, switching careers, moving across the country, or retiring? It's no small task! Here’s a useful tool to get you started.
First, set aside some dedicated time, even if it’s just an hour. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Write down your answers in a notebook or computer. This will be a great resource as you forge ahead.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. What Big Life Change do I want to make?
Clearly indicate the change you are considering. For example, “I want to relocate,” “I want to find a new job,” “I want to change careers,” or “I want to retire.”
If you’re not sure exactly what you want to do, start with a feeling: “I want to feel more secure financially,” “I want to lead a more fulfilling life,” “I want to experience what it’s like living in a larger city,” etc.
2. Why do I want to make this change?
List all the reasons driving your desire for this change. Be honest and detailed:
“I want to move to be closer to friends or family.”
“I have always wanted to live near the ocean/mountains/lake.”
“I want to find a new job that is more fulfilling or challenging.”
“I want to make more money.”
“I don’t like my new boss.”
“I need a job near where I live.”
“I want to change to a career that gives me purpose and/or has better potential for advancement.”
“I want to retire so I can spend more time traveling, spend more time with my family, or check off things on my bucket list.”
3. When do I want to make this change?
Set a timeline for the change you want to make. For instance, “I want to find …