Are You Making Yourself Small to Get Along?
Are you wondering if your relationship with your partner is faltering? What about your friends or family? Are you grappling with what to do about it?
Maybe you don’t connect the way you used to. Maybe you feel like they can’t hear you anymore or perhaps you’ve realized that you’re simply two very different people with less and less in common.
Or maybe you’ve made yourself so small in the relationship in order to get along that you’ve begun to feel almost invisible.
This can happen for so many reasons.
Be The Observer
I write a lot about our “stories.” The ones we’ve made up about ourselves based on experiences we’ve had. The painful ones. The ones that tell us we’re not enough, not worthy, not lovable, or that we don’t belong.
A lot comes up when you start recognizing your stories.
You develop an “I spy” awareness when they pop up. You start noticing them in real time, or maybe shortly afterward. And slowly, you begin to understand why.
You start processing the data.
Why did I react that way?
Why did that interaction bother me so much?
Why do I keep finding myself in this same situation?
What does this have to do with one of my old stories?
Sometimes it’s not so obvious. Sometimes it’s all too apparent. You almost laugh because you just know.
There is something freeing about recognizing your stories.
Confessions of a Control Freak
I've been grappling with the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles for months.
As you may know, in late January I packed up my car and my dog Bebe and headed to Arizona. I left for a couple of reasons. I was ready for a big change, and I wanted to escape the brutal East Coast winter. I had no idea how long I'd be gone. I had no real plan.
It was surprisingly liberating.
That is...until it came time to renew my New York car registration and inspection.
Let me tell you, if this wasn't a lesson in surrendering to things I had little or no control over, I don't know what is.
Why Family Triggers us
Have you ever noticed that when you're around family, you suddenly become a younger version of yourself?
Maybe you're capable, confident, and grounded in every other area of your life. But then you spend a few hours with your parents or siblings, and somehow you're fifteen again.
Family has a remarkable ability to trigger us in ways no one else can. One comment, one piece of unsolicited advice, one familiar look, and suddenly you're flooded with feelings of inadequacy, doubt, frustration, or confusion.
Why can't they see me differently?
Why do they still feel the need to tell me what to do?
I'm a grown-ass adult.
Then comes the judgment.
You judge the people who seem to keep you locked in your old role. You judge yourself for reacting so strongly. Or maybe you fall into the trap of wondering, Maybe they're right.
The truth is, we're often all caught in the same loop.
The Grip of Attachment
I've been thinking a lot about attachment lately.
It's amazing how often it disguises itself as planning, certainty, or simply wanting life to unfold a certain way.
I've become attached to certain outcomes.
I keep wondering, When is it going to happen?
When.
When.
When.
As I've sat with it, I've realized something deeper.
I'm not only attached to these outcomes—I'm also afraid they won't happen.
That's a tough combination.
When we're attached to one specific outcome and fearful of not getting it, we close ourselves off. We stop seeing possibilities that don't fit the picture we've created in our minds. We grip tighter instead of opening wider.
And sometimes, we become the very thing standing in our own way…
I Thought I Was Done With This!
Last week, I was having a perfectly lovely conversation with a friend. We were talking about our plans for the future when something they said completely triggered me. I nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the conversation. I eventually got off the call and then went into a full-blown spiral.
Not their fault. They were simply sharing what was happening in their life. They had absolutely no idea that I had launched into a spectacular pity party, complete with all my old stories, yelling at the universe to give me a break.
A bit dramatic? Perhaps.
But I couldn't ignore it.
One thing I've learned about myself is that I'm usually pretty aware of what triggers me. I don't let myself off the hook. I sit with it and try to understand why it landed so hard. Eventually, I have to surrender to it and trust that, if I'm willing to stay with it long enough, something deeper will reveal itself.
More often than not, it's something I've faced before.
In fact, I was convinced I'd already dealt with this one…