Processing your emotions after the loss of a loved one
Have you experienced the loss of a loved one recently? Are you having a hard time processing your emotions?
I lost my father recently. He was 99 years old and lived a full vibrant life. I feel so fortunate to have had him in my life for so long. He survived my mom by six years who died in 2018. The fact that both my parents are gone is daunting because they brought the family together. They loved spending time with their six kids. They were our center.
My mom was the life force of the family. She was also the family worrier and made sure she and my dad checked in with each of us on a regular basis. My father took over as the family worrier when she passed and called all six of us every day. He so wanted to be there for us and would end each call with “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Let’s talk about those emotions that you are busy processing.
Are you allowing yourself to feel? The emotions of grief and loss are going to be there whether you want them or not and you may not always appreciate when they show up. It could be in the middle of a conversation or the middle of a work day. Grief is not on a schedule. Regardless, let the feelings come. It’s all part of the process.
Are you sharing your feelings with your family and friends? My siblings and I are all grieving in our own ways. I find it hits me when I least expect it, this profound sadness. My eyes well up and I wonder what we are going to do without him. I will let one of my siblings know if I am having a hard time. It’s usually as simple as telling them that I miss him. My sister and I text each other when the sadness creeps up on us. The important thing is to share these emotions. Your family will be grateful that they aren’t the only ones feeling this way and your friends want to be there for you…
what does it mean to be a highly sensitive Person?
It took me a while to understand what it meant to be a highly sensitive person (HSP). I thought it was someone who reacted strongly to situations and if I’m being truthful, I thought it was someone who over-reacted. Come to find out I am somewhat correct. As with most things, there is just more to it. Highly sensitive persons react more strongly to internal and external stimuli such as pain, hunger, light, and noise. They are also more upset than others by tension and feelings of being overwhelmed. And they tend to have a more complex inner life.
Just to be clear, it is not a mental health disorder but rather a personality trait that exists in a person to varying degrees. This personality trait is known as sensory-processing sensitivity (SPS). I’m actually relieved to know that there is a term for it. I always wondered why I am sensitive to noise and light. I am also highly sensitive to violence, tragedy, and tension which are part of being an SPS. I am not one of those people who slow down on the highway when they see an accident. I make sure I add news blackouts to my routine as news stories about wars and death disturb me more than the average person. I always turn the channel when the ads about cruelty to animals come on.
You may think this is a form of sticking your head in the sand. Make no mistake, it is self-preservation for a highly sensitive person.
If you are wondering if you are an HSP, here are a few indicators:
You experience emotions more deeply than the average person. A sad movie or even a touching ad can trigger tears (ME!). You appreciate natural beauty on a profound level and you are deeply moved by art and music.
You feel physical sensations intensely. In other words, you are hyper-aware of physical sensations, such as being more aware of noise and light. Another personal example is that I feel an all-over body tingling when I almost hurt myself if I trip on a rug or miss a step.
You think deeply. You tend to take in more information…
“It’s Complicated” is my least favorite phrase
I have come to believe that the use of “it’s complicated” can ultimately hinder personal growth. It’s a default phrase. “It’s complicated” hinders further exploration of the issue, it sets the stage to avoid accountability, and it effectively shuts down communication causing misunderstandings or misinterpretations. And my least favorite, “it’s complicated” can reinforce negative beliefs about yourself. Essentially, “it’s complicated” risks stagnation. You are resigned to what is.
Let’s switch our approach:
Focus on possibility. What solutions are there to consider? How can I improve my situation and my outlook?
Un-complicate it. Break it down into its parts and tackle them one by one. Achieving smaller steps creates a sense of accomplishment and progress.
Challenge your negative beliefs. Your negative or limiting beliefs can prevent you from moving forward. They act as a roadblock and can stop you in your tracks. Ask yourself what is really true vs what you have decided is true. Are these beliefs serving you?
Get help. We are not meant to struggle alone. We all need encouragement and guidance. Grab a friend, family member, coach, or therapist and share what is going on…
Supporting someone through an unplanned change
Unplanned changes come in many forms - a layoff, the loss of a loved one, a breakup, a health crisis, or a financial setback are all examples.
It blindsides you. It sucks. It hurts. It makes you angry. You soul search. You rant. You wallow. You hide. All valid reactions. All probably necessary.
We’ve all experienced one or more unplanned changes. We’ve all watched others go through them. So how do we support someone who is going through it? Well, for one thing, it’s not a one-size-fits-all experience. It’s a process and we all approach it differently.
To bring this to a personal level, I lost my father recently and I am fresh in the grieving process. I will write about it at some point. It’s too soon though. What I will say is that we; myself, my siblings, and our extended family, are all grieving in our own way. I’m sure there are similarities and it’s also unique to each of us.
Here are some tips on how to support someone who has experienced an unplanned event:
Be there. Be present for them. Just your presence can offer a tremendous amount of comfort. And adjusting to their new normal can take quite a while. Make sure you’re still there after the dust settles.
Validate their feelings. Whether it is anger…
Create a judGment-free zone
What I have come to realize is that we usually have very little idea about what is going on in other people’s lives and what they are feeling or experiencing at any given moment. This is true for total strangers and even people we know well. Yet we make assumptions about what they are feeling and why. We make assumptions based on how we view the world which may be very different from how the other person views the world.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to create a judgment-free zone. I know. I know. What makes me think I can pull this off? We don’t live in a non-judgmental, forgiving world.
It’s too easy to sit back and make up stories about people based on little or no information. It’s too easy to make assumptions. It’s too easy NOT to try and understand where people are coming from, what they might be going through, and the fears that they are grappling with.
Call me an optimist. Call me an idealist. Call me an unrealistic nutter. I have to try.
So, here is what I am going to do.
I am going to show compassion.
I am going to…
Understanding the domino effects of change
The experience of change, good or bad, has repercussions. One change can set you on a new course and have so much meaning in your life. It can affect you in a myriad of ways - some of which you may not have thought of when the change occurred.
It’s the domino effect of a given change that can throw you off course. You start a new relationship but how is it affecting your other relationships? Are you ignoring other people or responsibilities? You get promoted at work but what about the person you replaced and whose shoes you have to fill? Will you have to work longer hours? What impact will this have on your co-workers? How will it affect your life outside of work? You were unexpectedly laid off and how will you pay the mortgage on the new house you just bought? How will this affect your partner or your family?
One thing to acknowledge is that you play a role in every change no matter whether you choose to make a change or a change is thrust upon you. Your reaction to change will vary and is dependent on many factors; the key ones being your previous experience with change, your current circumstances, and your willingness to embrace the unknown…