Supporting someone through an unplanned change
Unplanned changes come in many forms - a layoff, the loss of a loved one, a breakup, a health crisis, or a financial setback are all examples.
It blindsides you. It sucks. It hurts. It makes you angry. You soul search. You rant. You wallow. You hide. All valid reactions. All probably necessary.
We’ve all experienced one or more unplanned changes. We’ve all watched others go through them. So how do we support someone who is going through it? Well, for one thing, it’s not a one-size-fits-all experience. It’s a process and we all approach it differently.
To bring this to a personal level, I lost my father recently and I am fresh in the grieving process. I will write about it at some point. It’s too soon though. What I will say is that we; myself, my siblings, and our extended family, are all grieving in our own way. I’m sure there are similarities and it’s also unique to each of us.
Here are some tips on how to support someone who has experienced an unplanned event:
Be there. Be present for them. Just your presence can offer a tremendous amount of comfort. And adjusting to their new normal can take quite a while. Make sure you’re still there after the dust settles.
Validate their feelings. Whether it is anger, sadness, numbness, or any number of emotions, let them know it’s ok to feel whatever they are feeling.
Show empathy. Be empathetic and understanding. Acknowledge what they are going through and how difficult it must be. Let them know you are there to support them.
Avoid making the typical statements. You know them. You’ve probably said them because you didn’t know what else to say. “It’s probably for the best.” “They are in a better place.” When one door closes, another opens.” “Everything happens for a reason.” Maybe all of these statements are true but no one wants to hear them especially soon after it happens.
Offer practical help. Run errands, prepare meals, do some household chores, and/or walk their dog. Everyday needs can become a burden and any relief from them is welcome.
Respect their process. Again, we all manage change in our way and an unexpected change comes with its own set of challenges. Avoid putting your timeline or expectations on them.
Check-in with them about self-care. Are they eating? Are they eating well? Are they getting enough rest? Are they getting out of the house? Do they need some professional help?
Give them space. We all need space to go through all the emotions and to process what just happened. Be there for them. Just don’t smother them.
Be Patient. The emotions will come and go and come again - it’s the old ebb and flow routine. This will go on for as long as it takes. Be patient and make sure you are consistent with your check-ins.
Share memories and stories. Whether it be a break-up, a death, or a job loss, it helps to remember what once was. Share some stories. Laugh about that time when…
Acknowledge important dates. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can be challenging. Maybe a loved one is gone and a significant holiday is especially painful. Maybe your friend’s anniversary is on the horizon and their former partner has moved on and is not there to celebrate with them. Acknowledge them and offer support in whatever way you can.
Talk to them about seeking professional help if needed. There is a lot of help out there - therapists, coaches, reiki practitioners, acupuncturists, somatic healers. We all need help. We are not meant to do this on our own.
Supporting someone through an unplanned change means showing up for them and offering emotional and practical support. They will get through this with your help.