Processing your emotions after the loss of a loved one
Have you experienced the loss of a loved one recently? Are you having a hard time processing your emotions?
I lost my father recently. He was 99 years old and lived a full vibrant life. I feel so fortunate to have had him in my life for so long. He survived my mom by six years who died in 2018. The fact that both my parents are gone is daunting because they brought the family together. They loved spending time with their six kids. They were our center.
My mom was the life force of the family. She was also the family worrier and made sure she and my dad checked in with each of us on a regular basis. My father took over as the family worrier when she passed and called all six of us every day. He so wanted to be there for us and would end each call with “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Let’s talk about those emotions that you are busy processing.
Are you allowing yourself to feel? The emotions of grief and loss are going to be there whether you want them or not and you may not always appreciate when they show up. It could be in the middle of a conversation or the middle of a work day. Grief is not on a schedule. Regardless, let the feelings come. It’s all part of the process.
Are you sharing your feelings with your family and friends? My siblings and I are all grieving in our own ways. I find it hits me when I least expect it, this profound sadness. My eyes well up and I wonder what we are going to do without him. I will let one of my siblings know if I am having a hard time. It’s usually as simple as telling them that I miss him. My sister and I text each other when the sadness creeps up on us. The important thing is to share these emotions. Your family will be grateful that they aren’t the only ones feeling this way and your friends want to be there for you.
Are you seeking support? Sometimes you need to spend more quality time with your friends and family to get through the tough times. When that is not enough, seek out a therapist or a grief support group. Some therapists specialize in grief support. Our parents had hospice care and they offered grief support services. Your local funeral home can also offer suggestions.
Are you taking it as it comes? When someone asks me how I am doing, I respond with “I’m taking it one day at a time.” It’s all you should expect from yourself. Grief is not a linear experience and it is not on a timetable. Do the best you can and refrain from judging yourself when all you want to do is curl up on the couch and binge-watch a TV show.
Are you practicing self-compassion? Be gentle with yourself. Offer yourself the same kindness you would offer a friend who experienced a loss.
Are you honoring the memories? Oh, the memories! As the temperatures warm, I have flashbacks of sitting in the driveway (our version of sitting on the front stoop) soaking up the sun while neighbors stop by to say hello. We used to take long drives to lakes in the area and he would tell me childhood stories about camping or how he got roped into fixing something at the 100-year-old cottage we used to go to every summer.
There are events yet to come that will be difficult like Thanksgiving and the annual Christmas Eve birthday party for our dad. Everyone loved that party and the same guests would show up year after year. Christmas was our mom’s favorite holiday. She is present in our thoughts, especially during Christmas and now Christmas Eve will be forever changed without our dad’s birthday party.
Keep those memories close and find new ways to honor them. We’ve talked about finding a cabin somewhere for the family to gather and celebrate Christmas. And we will make sure everyone gets one or two of the tree decorations (Mom had gathered a significant number of Santa Claus decorations over the years).
It’s been almost three months since my dad passed. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes a lot longer. I started this post a month ago and could not finish it. I was not ready. It’s a bit easier now and I know it’s because I’m having a good day. I could have picked another day to write this and may have had a completely different reaction and put it off again. What this tells me is that it is a process and it will get easier.