I Thought I Was Done With This!
Building with sign “It’s Been Emotional”
Last week, I was having a perfectly lovely conversation with a friend. We were talking about our plans for the future when something they said completely triggered me. I nearly burst into tears right in the middle of the conversation. I eventually got off the call and then went into a full-blown spiral.
Not their fault. They were simply sharing what was happening in their life. They had absolutely no idea that I had launched into a spectacular pity party, complete with all my old stories, yelling at the universe to give me a break.
A bit dramatic? Perhaps.
But I couldn't ignore it.
One thing I've learned about myself is that I'm usually pretty aware of what triggers me. I don't let myself off the hook. I sit with it and try to understand why it landed so hard. Eventually, I have to surrender to it and trust that, if I'm willing to stay with it long enough, something deeper will reveal itself.
More often than not, it's something I've faced before.
In fact, I was convinced I'd already dealt with this one.
I'd done the work. I'd seen it. I'd processed it. I'd let it go.
Well, apparently not.
Sometimes the triggers you think you've healed show up wearing a completely different disguise. They arrive from an unexpected direction, and you're left wondering, What the heck just happened?
I've learned not to dismiss those moments.
If something keeps resurfacing, there's usually another layer waiting to be uncovered. Maybe there's something I didn't see before. Or, if I'm being completely honest...something I wasn't ready to see.
As much as I'd love to skip this part, I know it doesn't work that way. Whatever I avoid today simply finds another way to introduce itself later.
So I might as well deal with it now.
I'm already in a hellscape (slight exaggeration...I've been bingeing Stranger Things, so perhaps I'm influenced by the Upside Down) of my own making. Let's just get to the bottom of it.
Does any of this resonate with you?
Actually, I'm not sure why I'm even asking.
I don't know anyone who doesn't have triggers. Whether we're aware of them is another story.
I imagine you are hoping for possible solutions right about now.
Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
When a trigger shows up, especially one you've sworn you've already dealt with, consider this four-step cycle.
The Trigger
Something lands much harder than it was expected
That's the signal, not the problem.
Whether it shows up as anger, tears, fear, frustration, or shame, your reaction is pointing toward something that wants your attention.
Awareness
Instead of criticizing yourself, get curious.
Ask yourself:
What does this remind me of?
What story am I telling myself right now?
Why does this feel so familiar?
Awareness is everything. Once you begin noticing your triggers, you'll start seeing the patterns behind them.
Processing
This is where the real work happens.
Sit with the discomfort long enough to discover where it's actually coming from. Usually, it reaches much further back than the conversation, email, comment, or event that set you off.
What happened earlier in your life that still hasn't fully released you?
What story did you create about yourself because of it?
Maybe the story is:
"I'm not lovable enough."
"I'm not capable enough."
"I don't belong."
"I'm too much."
"I'm not enough."
Those stories have an incredible ability to follow us into adulthood unless we consciously question them.
Not to get all Jungian on you, but this often traces back to childhood.
I know. I'm a little tired of everyone telling us to "heal our inner child," too.
But there's a reason that idea keeps coming up.
As children, we were still becoming who we are. We absorbed messages from parents, siblings, teachers, friends, and other influential people. We believed things about ourselves because we didn't yet have the wisdom to question them.
And let’s show some compassion here: those people were shaped by their own stories too. They often passed along beliefs they never intended to hand down.
Letting Go
This isn't about forcing yourself to "move on."
It's about loosening your grip once you've finally seen the story clearly.
Ask yourself:
Is this belief actually true?
Is it even true, or am I carrying it around like an old favorite sweater that I can’t quite get rid of? It’s familiar, and perhaps a bit comfortable.
There isn't a shortcut here. And let me be clear, it can take days to unravel. Yes, it’s worth it!
It requires sitting with discomfort instead of distracting yourself from it.
The good news?
The more often you move through this cycle, the easier it becomes.
What once took days can eventually take hours.
Then minutes.
Sometimes just seconds.
"Oh...there's that story again."
You recognize it.
You acknowledge it.
And then, instead of letting it take over your life, you let it pass through.
That's growth.
Not because you'll never be triggered again, but because you'll recover more quickly each time.
You're human.
And being human means we're all untangling old stories while trying to live fully in the present.