Are You Making Yourself Small to Get Along?
Female forehead and eyes
Are you wondering if your relationship with your partner is faltering? What about your friends or family? Are you grappling with what to do about it?
Maybe you don’t connect the way you used to. Maybe you feel like they can’t hear you anymore or perhaps you’ve realized that you’re simply two very different people with less and less in common.
Or maybe you’ve made yourself so small in the relationship in order to get along that you’ve begun to feel almost invisible.
This can happen for so many reasons.
Sometimes, it’s because you have changed.
You may have done a lot of self-exploration while the other person hasn’t. Your priorities may have shifted. Your interests may have expanded. You may be questioning things you once accepted without thinking twice.
And what used to feel comfortable may no longer resonate with you.
You may find yourself thinking, I want to explore, and they’re perfectly happy on the couch.
You may be spending more and more time apart. Or perhaps you simply can’t find anything to talk about anymore.
All you know is that something has to change. And sometimes, life gives us experiences that make it harder to ignore what we’ve been avoiding.
Relationships are constantly giving us information. The way we show up, the way the other person responds, how we handle conflict, disappointment, change, or stress can all reveal a lot about who we are and who we are becoming.
The difference is that you may finally be ready to see it.
We all put up blinders, especially when keeping the peace feels easier than facing what’s really happening.
And then, sometimes, we get a little space.
The kids move out. Hello, empty nesters!
You relocate. You make new friends. You travel. You take a class. You discover something you didn’t know you were interested in.
And that space opens something up.
Oh. There is more to life than the way I’ve been experiencing it.
And once you see that, you may find yourself wanting more.
Maybe the words coming out of the mouth of someone you love are starting to sound like nails on a chalkboard. Maybe their nonverbal cues are becoming all too obvious.
And maybe you’re starting to notice your own, too.
That can be a hard pill to swallow.
Because this isn’t necessarily about deciding that someone else is the problem.
Sometimes the more important question is:
Who am I being in this relationship?
Am I still trying to keep the peace?
Am I shrinking myself?
Am I afraid of disappointing them?
Am I expecting them to change so I can finally feel okay?
What stories am I carrying about who I am, what I deserve, or what I have to do to be loved?
I’m not suggesting you drop the relationship stat.
Sometimes the relationship is worth working on. Sometimes boundaries are needed. And sometimes getting support from a coach, therapist, or another trusted professional can help you see what you simply can’t see on your own.
And sometimes, the relationship changes because you change.
If you’ve been following along with my posts, you know that I’ve been experiencing a lot of growth myself.
I finally allowed myself to explore who I truly am underneath the expectations, fears, and stories I had carried for so long.
It has been revelatory and transformative. It has also been painful and, quite honestly, an education.
One of the lessons I’m most grateful for is understanding that who I am being in any given moment affects whoever I am connecting with.
That realization has been such a gift.
It has changed the way I communicate. I listen differently. I listen for how I am connecting and if I am meeting them where they are at. I notice more. I am more curious.
And, as a result, my relationships have become more meaningful.
That’s one of the things I love about this work.
We often think the answer is to figure out what they are doing wrong. But what if the invitation is to become curious about ourselves. What stories are you carrying about who you are?
What have you learned you need to do to belong, to be lovable, to matter, or to be enough?
And how might those stories be affecting the relationships in your life today?
You don’t have to have the answers.
You just have to be willing to look.